Energy, Intuition and Narcissist Awareness
I thank God everyday that I am bipolar. It’s true— without bipolar I know I would not have developed my intuition and self-awareness anywhere near the level that it is today. Energy and intuition guide my decisions moment by moment, day in and day out. This took years of pain, self-development, and honoring my personal truth. I was diagnosed bipolar— but I realize that bipolar is a symptom of something greater that is out of alignment within myself. Everyday, I must be so in touch with myself so that I can best decipher when/where I am misaligned.
The most challenging year of my life was 2016 and each year since has gotten significantly better by purely living in my worth and with intention. In 2017 I was determined to figure out bipolar disorder— which ultimately meant deconstructing every aspect of myself. I moved to North Carolina. I cut out every relationship in my life; no joke— all my friends and all of my family. I separated myself and lived in complete solitude and got to work.
I saw many Doctors and therapists. I took the meds, recorded all my thoughts and emotions each day. I worked as a paralegal at a great law firm to prove to myself that I could support myself despite everything I was going through. What I found to be surprisingly helpful and perhaps the most helpful— is to analyze all the relationships that you keep in your life. Your lovers, your friends, your family— all of it. Who you allow access to your energy is just as important as the food you eat, the way you move your body, and the jobs you work. All of this requires an energetic exchange. When you’re surrounded by energy vampires— situations or people that suck the life out of you, you owe it to yourself to remove that toxicity from your life as soon as possible.
I made this easier on myself by cutting it all out. Without friends or family in the mix, I could focus my attention on exactly what the medications I was prescribed were doing to my body and mind. If the side effect was worse than the original symptom, I told my Doctor— sorry, this does not work for me. I got out of my head and listened to my body, and my gut— I strengthened my intuition.
“Intuition is not a single way of knowing— it’s our ability to hold space for uncertainty and our willingness to trust the many ways we’ve developed knowledge and insight, including instinct, experience, faith and reason.” – Brené Brown
The biggest sign that your relationships are/were toxic is if you thrive after certain people are no longer in your life. I was getting stronger despite the fact that I was essentially a human guinea pig for psychiatric drugs. I lost myself in the pursuit of perfection and wanting to be everything to everyone— I allowed myself to go emotionally and energetically bankrupt. I put my value in what others thought of me and not of what I knew to be true. When I no longer tolerated this, I began the return to my authentic self.
I learned the traits of narcissistic people and why I no longer have time for them. Narcissists have an exaggerated sense of self-importance and require constant, excessive admiration. Narcissists exaggerate achievements and talents, they act superior to others without anything that warrants it, and are preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, and the perfect mate.
I focus on what I know and have experienced to be true— I focus on those who see me and build me up, not those who try to fit me into their idea of what and who I should be. I learned about love languages and attachments styles. I forgave myself for the times when I was the toxic one in a relationship and I vow to be better every day. I honor my past experiences and relationships because they are what brought me to the present— and I adore the present.
Yours in trusting the process,
Courtney