Divine Mania
Mania is a symptom of bipolar disorder that often presents with rapid speech, grandiose ideas, and delusional thoughts. While manic episodes show up differently for everyone, my manic episodes have always happened when I am under an unmanageable amount of stress. The sources of stress that trigger me are usually emotional, financial, and security issues—not feeling safe. I was a perfectionist who wanted to be everything to everyone; ultimately, this behavior caused me to become out of touch with my needs and soul.
When I'm manic, my mind moves with a rapidness that is impossible to sustain; I exhaust myself and everyone around me. During a significant manic episode, I felt omnipresent energy that I could only verbally describe as God. It was as if I'd been electrocuted or struck by lightning but from the inside. I felt everything acutely; I could feel every cell in my body. It was terrifying and landed me in the ER at Santa Barbara Hospital, beginning another traumatic experience in a psychiatric facility.
No one asked me about my life or any stress I might be experiencing. I was treated with antipsychotic and anti-anxiety medications that numbed me to my core. The source or what caused me to feel such intense energy was not considered or explored.
Over time, it became apparent that this energy could not be medicated out of me— it was here to stay. I allowed myself to feel it, in gentle amounts, every day. Some might call this meditation. What it looked like for me was myself, snuggled under every cozy thing I own (my husky included), laying on my couch, allowing myself to slip into a vulnerable, trance-like state. I cultivated a ritual to allow myself to be in touch with my spiritual side without fear.
It took me seven years to harness this energy and feel safe experiencing it. A morning doesn't go by when I do not connect with divine mania. My experience of divine mania is gorgeous, infinite, and all-encompassing; one might even say heaven. It’s difficult to put into words, but I’ve described it as my climax of meditation—a mystical experience. I catch glimpses every day. I call them magic moments that remind you of life’s beauty. Divine mania is like plucking a gold nugget out of the ether. The best part is that I don't have to take a single drug to experience it—it is innate. It is my connection with my soul— the reason why I thank God every day that I am bipolar, hence the bipolar divine.
If you are searching for positive perspectives on bipolar disorder, please check out this article https://www.bphope.com/accentuate-the-positive/ and this A First-Rate Madness: Uncovering the Links Between Leadership and Mental Illness book.
Yours in divine mania,
Courtney